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Why I Do What I Do




As usual, your hostess/admin has been derelict on her duties of posting a regular blog on the website.  I have been reflecting on the many challenges of being in the T World, the struggles I, and many others, have about whether to stay here, or try to leave it all behind, the worries about being "outed" to the straight world about either or both being a Trans Girl, and being into group sex.   

When I have my doubts I have to go all the way back to the foundational question: "Why Do I Do What I Do?"

This question often haunted me when I was younger. I was a serious chaser of TGirls before I accepted that I myself was Transgender.  I could not understand why I wanted to be around transwomen all the time, why the only porn I was interested in was Trans porn, why I was obsessed with reading all the academic research I could find about the transgender community, and why my ultimate fantasy was to walk hand in hand with my trans lover on a sunny white sand beach with crystal clear waters to the horizon and a warm breeze blowing on our skin.  Why? 

Almost powerless over my actions, I found myself going to every TGirl bar and club I could find; driving my TGirl friends all over town for various errands; renting apartments for my trans girlfriends; and generally making my whole life about participation in the TGirl world...but at the same time, desperately trying to keep it a secret from my family, friends, and co-workers. 

Then, one day it hit me.  I was a chaser, but I WAS CHASING MYSELF.  The moment of self-revelation was astounding. I suddenly realized that my affinity for TGirls was an affinity for myself, my interest in TGirl porn was an interest in seeing myself as the girl in the video, my desire to go to TGirl bars was a desire to study the girls to learn how i could be just like them. I discovered I was a girl.

And when I recall my confusion, lostness, and sense of isolation, that is when I remember Why I Do What I Do with Temptation Tuesday. I do Temptation Tuesday to help both other girls and admirers learn acceptance for themselves. I have tried to make Temptation Tuesday a safe space for TGirls/CD's and admirers to meet, greet, and play, but the fundamental purpose is to allow a safe place for each of us whether TGirl, CD, admirers, or someone in-between, to come out and see that life can be both good and real in the T World.

That is why I do what I do.

Your hostess,




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"could not understand why I wanted to be around transwomen all the time, why the only porn I was interested in was Trans porn, why I was obsessed with reading all the academic research I could find about the transgender community,"

Very astute self -observation.

Me too, Reflecting on my own repressed feelings and coming to understand the repressed feelings, the darker thoughts the hidden curiosity that has driven strong desires that I have found unable to discard and have found more difficult to control or deny. The uncontrollable quest and mission to search for and experience the dynamic course or menu of the things that I crave so bad to experience and find out what it is to actually feel those things that I obsess and fantasize about. .

My secret diary of sexuality makes greater sense as I understand why I have so secretly have done and the journey to where I have a better realization of the path and course I have experienced and why I had traveled certain paths that I have.  Very similar the path leads to my attraction as an admirer but that was one of the many stepping stones that has brought me to the epiphany that  I deeply want to feel what the object of my admiration feels. I wish that somehow I could experience and be hypersexualized objectification I have for all those things so feminine. It actually becomes so very depressing to know it is not something I can possibly fully know or ever seem to find or experience in this short lifetime. I have arrived here too late! 

I am fifty with too many responsibilities and obligations to others that are too close to be unaffected by selfish uncontrolled fetishistic fantasies. I am at a point where my life just isnt my own , I belong to the many that are dependent upon me and my everyday masculine bullshit role I lead in this life. I cant just walk away from my daily life to pursue any alternative lifestyle either public or private, illicit or legitimate or otherwise.  Too many people to answer to and too late to change how I present and represent. I have grown old and my masculine body has fully matured and run its full course as the testosorone has ran its full course, contaminating my youthfulness with the aged rugged used up old man I have grown this far to have become. Today I turned fifty something and look in the mirror knowing I am beyond the modification to be what I could have been just 30 yrs ago. If only we had as much wisdom and less knowledge when we are young! 

Maybe in the next life,,, but then again I would have to figure it all out again!

If only there was an answer like a television commercial and I could just soak in the tub,,,, I luxurious bubble bath as "Calgon takes me away"!

Thanks for letting me sorta journal this out and know that I wasnt the first to take a similar path as a chaser before realizing which place I really wanted to be!


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Posted (edited)

I feel the same and I’m eternally grateful for Temptation Tuesday, a time a small window where I can be me! Then pack it all away and put on the Mask for the world to see. 
I thank you Renee. 

But one must look towards the positive side of things and can’t wait until the next one so I can get dicked down or dick down a few gals. Fun and flames get it all out in the open and explore our inter girls. 

love ya!!

Edited by EV_Toes
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