And so it begins. This represents a kind of tre-fold of firsts. One, I've never blogged. And, I'd never done the two topics about which I'll blog. Fun, right?
I'm a shiny minted transvestite (yikes! typing that makes it realer than...well. Acceptance is the key, acceptance is the key, breath, breath.). I'd spend the whole of many blogs going backerdz, so, suffice to say that till exactly yestitty, I was more or less a life long, very sometimey, closeted cd, and I dildoed my ass silly in heels and occasionally lingerie. There! 40 yrs of salacious history in 23 words.
Poof! Temptation Tuesday happened. Now I sound like I'm selling weight loss drugs. Ok, lots happened, but I got word of TT, came once as a boy, played top with two very nice girls, spent the rest of the time wishing I could be one of them and deciding I would be.
My second visit was months later which was yesterday. Took that time to get it together and get the old heels off and the dildos out my ass.
Impossible for me to begin this part without big love to Renee. Though we only just met irl yesterday, her help in the lead up was indispensable. Not overlooking the obvious, that without her, NO blog, for NO site, or TT either for that matter, but I really had no one to turn for some very basic questions. Remember friends, I wasn't just embarking on going to a play party dressed for the first time. I was leaving home dressed for the first time. There was a part of me that hadn't, in it's loopiest mental ravings, ever actually accepted this as a reality, ever, EVER, YA DIG!!! OMG MAKEUP!!! So Renee, for example, was and is, the first person ever to have seen the first makeup and outfit I put together to brave the outside. I'd no idea if it worked or looked absolutely zany mc crazy pants. I had not another soul to turn to. She took a little time to comment, encourage, and even suggest (which I took). I don't wish to set her up for this kind of work with all the balls she's juggling for us as it is. It's just a shout bout what I needed at that time. Thanks so kindly dear.
Further Impossible for me to continue without more big love to Renee and Gigi for this and these events. Perfect? no. Lets get it out of the way now so we don't have to bother with it anymore. It was hot. Very hot. No AC in the place and what can we do about the climate without turning it into politics? Nothing in this blog. Suck it bitches. We all lived...sweaty.
I fully anticipated being a wreck in the dressing hour before doors officially open. I didn't disappoint myself. My accoutre routine I had practiced down to somewhere between 4 hrs and 4 days so I felt a bit rushed. I cannot overstate the wonderfulness that was meeting Renee and Gigi almost immediately and their soothing calming encouraging manner. It pervaded the dressing room as more girls entered. They greeted each one by name that they knew or introduced themselves immediately if they didn't. Warm spirit flowed from them through all. And they had gifts for us; how cool is that? There was at least another newbie and very welcome clucking came from many more corners than just the hosts. There were makeshift falsie tutorials jumping (I could of really used that), quickie makeup clinics and the like. Just terrific. I got to see it all as I was certain I'd be last to leave; I was. But before I get out of there, thx so much Kimmy for squeezing, tying, encouraging, pecking, hand holding and being gorgeous and awesome. Thx miss M. Monroe for your loveliness, bravery, honesty, and encouragement, and the other sisters who's names got away but not the faces or kindness' in the dressing room. We'll meet again.
OMG!!! Up them stairs dammit.
I'm meAN anD thE STRUT IS ON. I'M COMIN UP....arTY STARTED. GOT DAMN, THIS IS IT. And ROY (name protected) SAID, "HELLO GORGEOUS. HOW ARE YOU?" AND I SAID,
"I need to sit down."
OMG!!! Back down stairs. Water. Towel. Dry face. Breath. Overheated from this long run up to this. I can't believe I've gotten all the way to this point, all the girls have said I did a good job and look sexy as hell. Weeks of prep, wigs, OMG MAKEUP!!!, my top lip hasn't been seen in 25 yrs. Now, I'm all finished. I'm even wearing some of my wife's finer perfume, which I pilfered. And where am I? SITTING BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM ALL ALONE ON THE COUCH TRYING TO CATCH MY BREATH and....thinking of Roy.
Gigi was shepherding this Roy around by his dick and just past the stairs as I went up. Oh my god, Roy! She asked if I'd trade my skirt for his very nice cock, which she held in her hand (she was on about my skirt she liked all day trying to make off with it). That's when I took flight.
Never fear friends. I pulled it together straight quick and went and found me some Roy. And some Bill, and some Andre (jesus Andre), and well, no more dildo's in heels........at least not exclusively.
I had over an hour to get home which was good. I simply never had time to think of the implications. The man in Angie has been a relative alpha most of his life. Angie has always ALWAYS been there since younger than sex even. For the first time ever, as I shared with my wife last night, Angie no longer has to hide. She represented the last bit of what mental health calls 'cognitive dissonance' in me. It's just awful inner conflict of the worst kind. With her out and the GOOD part of me that she is, I am whole, as genuine as I can ever hope to be in this life. It is not you or my wife or the Pope I need worry about lying too. If I can lie to myself, none of them matter a whit. And so I cried driving home, wracking, sobbing, tears. Tears of sadness? Hardly baby. These are tears of cleansing. As I shared with my new dear friend Kimmy yesterday sometime in the afternoon, it occurred to me that this thing we were all there doing, that so many think of as evil, yadda yadda yadda, is something that for me is completely flipped. I've been yearning for, needing, ready for this self actualizing moment my entire life. Any clown for the entirety of time that I draw breath, who would try to tell me that this was other than that, can fuck right off, and when they get there, they can just fuck right off again.
I'll close by being explicit by what I mean about self actualizing (such a mamby pamby, selfy helply good god, term, but it is the right one for this occasion, so don't hate the player, hate the game, or i'll tell you to refer back to the previous sentence, mmmk? With all the wonderful sex and kissing (I was kissed by a man who'd never kissed a non GG before. He really wanted to kiss me.) and touching that took place yesterday, some of the most rewarding moments were simply the comments. They began in the dressing room with the sisters, whom I could easily dismiss as being sisterly, encouraging and kind. Look, I put in a lot of effort, but on another score, I must admit Angie emerged kind of on her own and absolutely blew ME away. I wondered If I was crazy. I had no idea. When I hit the top of those stairs and Roy... And shortly after other gentleman were actually calling ME, ME, my god, beautiful and hot and sexy. There is no part haughty in this validation. I feel so humble, grateful and whole that I'm in tears again.
Thx again Renee, see you soon. Thank you for reading. It ain't what ain't.